By: Cherie Klee
“I’m the girl that suddenly stopped talking because I felt like I was bothering people” – Anonymous
“Suicide isn’t cowardly. I’ll tell you what is cowardly; treating people so badly that they want to end their lives” – Ashley Purdy
You’re surrounded by faces, drowning in voices, but you’re so alone. That girl is me, or at least she has been me for a very long time. You see, the thing about depression is that it is a silent killer, you either win the war or you lose while trying to fight it. It is also easy to hide because people cannot physically see it. Your entire life is falling apart and everything and everyone you try to grab to for help seems to either be way too busy to hear you out or whatever you use to numb the pain only relieves it for a little while before the pain comes back again. All I wanted was to be put out of my misery, end it all, to stop feeling alone and to stop feeling as if I am in the way, is that too much to ask for?
It’s incredibly horrible to find yourself in a position where you are ready to completely give up. Give up on everything. Give up on yourself. It’s hard for someone who has never been in a position like that to imagine how it must feel or how they would react. It’s difficult to admit but the other night I was in that position, ready to stop this continuous cycle of hurt and isolation. I sent one of my friends a text message, telling him that I am starting to lose myself and it is scaring me. I did not reply to the rest of his messages. As I was about to walk out of the front door of my house he called me and talked me out of going through with the plans I had made.
Why didn’t I go through with my plans? Was it because I saw I am not as alone like I thought I was or was it perhaps hope, hoping life would get better, hoping for a happier change? I don’t think I will have a proper answer. I guess God, or some construction of a higher being intervened in my situation. It’s my life; I can do with it what I want to can’t I? I never asked to be born, do I not have a say in how I would like to die? Which leads me to ask the question, are we really in control of our life’s or destinies?
R.I.P Chester Bennington. A son. A husband. A father. A legend.
If you or someone you know is suffering from depression, or seems like they are withdrawing from their normal lives, get them to call the South African Depression and Anxiety Group.
To contact a counsellor between 8am-8pm Monday to Sunday,
Call: 011 234 4837 / Fax number: 011 234 8182
For a suicidal Emergency contact them on 0800 567 567
24hr Helpline 0800 12 13 14
SMS 31393 (and they will call you back)